A Wife Craves Appreciation

We’re never too old to want – or need – a compliment, and this wife craves appreciation from her husband for her new hobbies. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.

Dear Eric:

I have been married to a great guy, “Fred,” for more than 40 years. He has gotten much better about listening to me and responding to what I say, since I asked him to. Here’s my issue: I like to paint watercolors, try to do some every week, and I’m not too bad. I also, over the last couple of years, have taken up playing the recorder. I enjoy it and have improved. Fred has not once commented on my painting or playing. A little “I like that painting” or “Your playing has gotten better” would be appreciated. I don’t want to ask him to do this, but what can I do?

– No Comment

Dear No Comment:

You’ve done a great job advocating for yourself and communicating about conversational styles in the past. My compliments to you both. This is another opportunity to do that. It sounds like Fred doesn’t have the same expectation that you do, which is fine. You both simply have to find a place in the middle.

Try asking for feedback in a neutral way. “What do you think of this painting?” If Fred replies, “it’s fine,” you can say, “would you tell me more about what you think? I’m trying to improve.” This line of questioning affirms that his opinion is important to you and that you have a goal which he can help you achieve.

Sometimes hobbies seem like enclosed worlds with no need for outside input. Continuing to invite Fred in will, in time, encourage more compliments and more conversation.

Now, what if you don’t want honest feedback but instead just want to be encouraged? You can guide that, too. “Can you tell me something you like about this painting?” or “I’m proud of the progress I’ve made on the recorder in the last few weeks. Let’s celebrate that.”

There aren’t many situations in life where saying “I would like a compliment now, please,” is going to go over well, but a happy, healthy relationship might be one. How fun, how eccentric. And how honest. We all could use a little encouragement.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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Find more words of wisdom like when a wife craves appreciation – from insensitive parents to a husband’s mid-life crisis, DNA surprises, and more – in the Boomer Advice for Life department.