‘The Leftover Bolt Theory’
Why is there always that one?
Through personal experience, humorist Greg Schwem has learned that a leftover bolt inevitably remains after a construction project, such as a standup desk, TV stand – and maybe the Gateway Arch.
I recently visited the Gateway Arch, the St. Louis monument that represents westward exploration and is consistently referred to as an “engineering marvel.”
But, after watching a 30-minute video detailing the Arch’s construction, I am convinced this U-shaped structure, rising 630 feet into the air, is going to fall down eventually. My convictions are based on what I term the “Leftover Bolt Theory.”
The video, which featured terrifying images of workers dangling from steel girders in howling winter winds, also contained grainy film of those same workers screwing bolts onto the structure’s Z-bars. I learned about Z-bars from the National Park Service website, which said the bolts “passed through holes in the inner skin of carbon steel and were held in place by nuts that applied a squeezing force to the concrete core of the wall ‘sandwich,’ creating a friction bond.”
I moved into an unfurnished condominium 18 months ago and have spent the time since assembling everything from a standup desk to an outdoor rattan loveseat to a six-foot tall floor lamp with a domed shade that consistently finds a way to collide with my head whenever I rise from the couch.
All were built using nuts and bolts, packaged in plastic bags hidden at the bottom of the cardboard box containing the furniture’s various parts. Arch workers tightened their bolts with an industrial torque wrench. I used a hex key.
Upon completion, I proudly gazed at my condo’s new additions before looking at the floor. My palms immediately begin sweating.
One bolt always remained.
Why was that? Did I miss a step in the assembly instructions, which contained no words but a mishmash of dotted lines and arrows showing what goes where? It’s possible.
Did the manufacturer pack extras just in case? Knowing I am prone to dropping or misplacing fasteners? Highly unlikely, but who knows. I may have left my webcam on during a recent assembly, provoking laughter and compassion from workers charged with shipping my purchases.
Whatever the reason, I’m now convinced my desk will buckle and collapse during a Zoom call. Or that the loveseat will not inspire romantic feelings when it falls apart as my lady friend and I watch a romantic movie. Or that the floor lamp will eventually end up on the floor. All because of one leftover bolt.
I had similar feelings as I boarded the tram that would take me to the Arch’s top. Incidentally, if you suffer from claustrophobia, the Arch is not for you. I’ve been in MRI tubes that feel more roomy than the Arch tram.
During the ride up, there were plenty of chances to see the nuts, bolts, studs, steel plates, and girders referenced in the video. All appeared tight, but how does one REALLY know? The video showed workers attaching some bolts by hand. Yes, you read that correctly. Whenever I’ve shunned the aforementioned hex wrench in favor of my bare hands, I’ve regretted it within minutes.
My visit to the top was spectacular … and short. Ten minutes after arriving, my group was herded back onto the trams for the ride down. Upon exiting, the group awaiting passage to the top appeared relieved the trams were functioning correctly.
As the sun dipped behind the St. Louis skyline, I snapped a few more photos of the Arch, which opened to the public in 1967 and hosts two million visitors annually. It is closed on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Day, but I have found no evidence that it has ever been closed for maintenance purposes.
Should the latter occur, I hope workers find the leftover bolts before the unthinkable happens. If they need examples, I am happy to send pictures of a broken TV stand that fell apart in the middle of the night.
Maybe the leftover bolt I found in one of the smashed drawers will fit a loveseat.
Greg Schwem is a veteran comedian, motivational speaker, and humor specialist known for blending business insights with standup comedy. He is also the author of three Amazon bestsellers. His latest, “Turning Gut Punches into Punch Lines: A Comedian’s Journey Through Cancer, Divorce and Other Hilarious Stuff,” was released in September 2024. Visit Greg on the web at www.gregschwem.com.
©2025 Greg Schwem. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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