Should the Grandmother Speak Up?

A grandmom was told early on to keep her opinions to herself. And she has. But now, her son and daughter-in-law having taken their parenting in a direction harmful to the 3-year-old granddaughter. Should the grandmother speak up? See what advice columnist Amy Dickinson say.

Dear Amy:

I had a 42-year career as a speech-language pathologist, working with young children. Early childhood development was my professional specialty.

I made sure to provide my own children with play-based preschool opportunities. As they grew and showed interest in certain activities, we provided those opportunities for them in art, music, and sports.

Both children are now successful professionals.

Our son and his wife are the parents of two children, ages three and one. They let us know early on that they would accept NO input or support, even when they shared their struggles and challenges.

Not even a book suggestion was welcome.

I have respected their wishes, and I respond to texts, e-mails, and rare phone calls with generic positive statements like, “Thanks for sharing that photo!” “It looks like he’s doing great!”

Now, our daughter-in-law is sending photos and videos of our 3-year-old granddaughter in a pee-wee “cheer” program. She is on a “performance team,” complete with uniforms with short-shorts and bare midriffs. For the competitions, she has to wear full-face makeup, including bright red lipstick.

Her parents haven’t enrolled her in a regular preschool yet, but they apparently are fine with this environment.

I have not responded to the most recent “cheer” photos and am not sure how to approach my son and his wife about my concerns.

I am sick to my stomach that this child is not receiving typical child-focused, play-based learning opportunities – and worse – that she has been put into a program that appears to me to be sexualizing young girls, to their future detriment.

I feel I must speak up and advocate for this child by trying to protect her childhood. How should I do this?

– Horrified Gran

Dear Horrified:

You may speak up for this child by using your voice, or your pen, or your opposable thumbs.

When you do – you should prepare yourself for the likelihood that these parents will react badly, cut you off, and continue exercising their judgment without regard for your views.

I happen to share your opinion, as well as your concerns, regarding toddler “cheer” squads, “beauty” pageants, and the like. But these parents have the right to be flawed – or terrible – parents. They may continue making unenlightened choices throughout.

They obviously have (extremely) different values than you do, and they are demonstrating their values through their parenting choices.

You can definitely try to “protect” your granddaughter’s childhood, but the best way to do that is to maintain a relationship with the child that is sage, kind, accepting, and healthy.

And the way to the child is through her folks.

I think you should continue to be extremely judicious in your reactions, and also force yourself to attend one of these competitions.

You can say, “This isn’t my thing, but whatever the kids are up to, I want to be there.”

Want to get even more life tips from Amy? Read more of her advice columns here!

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart – ranging from grandparenting to dark family secrets and DNA surprises. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers. You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.

©2023 by Amy Dickinson