Sharing a Dark Past with a New Partner

How much of a dark past must we share in a new relationship? A man who battled has depression wonders if he’s responsible for revealing all the details. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs.

Dear Eric:

My now-deceased wife of 39 years was aware of my clinical depression, and she was very supportive during a one-week stay at a psychiatric ward followed by a few months of outpatient care.

Widowed since 2020, I am now in a committed relationship with a woman I’ve been seeing for two years. I moved into her place six months ago. Though I’ve been transparent with my girlfriend about my depression, which is largely controlled with medication, I’ve never mentioned my hospital stay of 12 years ago. Must I be open with her about my entire mental health history this far into our relationship, and perhaps risk it all?

– Afraid to Share

Dear Share:

If your girlfriend loves you enough to combine houses with you, I daresay she loves you enough to accept all the parts of you, even the ones that cause you shame. That said, it’s fine not to mention something that happened a dozen years ago.

I’m reminded of a Tracy Chapman song called “At This Point in My Life,” which I used to listen to on repeat when I was in my 20s and very depressed. Much of the song is about someone who fears that they are only defined by the mistakes they’ve made. But, toward the end, there’s this lyric:

At this point in my life
I’d like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it.

I’ve found solace in that for decades.

Tell your girlfriend what you feel comfortable telling her, knowing that she can hold it and hold you. Don’t let shame convince you that any parts of your mental health journey make you unlovable. And give yourself permission to leave some parts of the past in the past.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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Find more words of wisdom like sharing a dark past – from insensitive parents to a husband’s mid-life crisis, DNA surprises, and more – in the Boomer Advice for Life department.