My First Novel: Uncharted Territory in My 60s
Melissa Connelly on writing her dark story of redemption
A childhood dream of being a writer was deferred, but Melissa Connelly writes that her first novel, written when she was in her 60s, reflects her lifetime of experience. “It’s the beginning of an exciting new chapter when some other chapters are closing,” she says.
I’m 68 and publishing my first novel, “What Was Lost.”
Life is short even when you’re lucky enough to live a long time. One of the ways you’re lucky is because you truly comprehend how precious and finite life is, in a way that you can’t fully grasp when you’re young. Or at least I couldn’t.
I had lots of hopes and dreams and saw the world stretching out before me a map of uncharted territory. I could take my time meandering along, pursuing detours and dead ends if they interested me. I’d reach my destination — eventually.
Being a writer was one of those dreams, and I was so sure I’d do it while still young, like so many of the great ones. I remember reading Carson McCullers’s “The Heart is a Lonely Hunter” at age 13. The bio at the back told me she wrote it at age 23. Big deal, I thought, I’ll have my first book way before then.
The foolishness of youth is definitely wasted on the young.
I’m not complaining. I’ve had a good life, a great life and some of those meanderings were magnificent. And yes, I’ve reached the destination and it’s absolutely thrilling. It’s the beginning of an exciting new chapter when some other chapters are closing.
And I know it’s a way better book than I’d have written at 23 (not knocking McCullers — hers at 23 was a great book).
“What Was Lost” concerns a dark topic: sexual abuse of a 14-year-old. I wrote a short story on a similar theme in my early 20s. I meant the story to be humorous, laugh-out-loud funny in some sections. When I read it in a writing workshop, all the young people laughed hysterically. Success! One older man, a psychologist, remarked how painful the story was. My friends and I went for a drink afterwards. Painful? What was his deal? The story was funny. Clearly, he didn’t get it. It took me years before I understood – I was the one who didn’t get it. If I’d published that story, maybe it would have been considered edgy, and even been a success, but it wouldn’t have been truthful to the experience.
The novel I’d have written at 23 wouldn’t have been this book. I couldn’t have delved as deeply as I did into this subject matter with the clarity I have now.
The list of writers with late starts is long: Annie Proulx, Frank McCourt, Laura Ingalls Wilder, to name just a few. Let’s examine their work. Would Annie Proulx have been able to render “Brokeback Mountain” with the fined-tuned restraint and subtlety she did? Would Frank McCourt have had the compassion for his family that makes “Angela’s Ashes” so poignant? Would Laura Ingalls Wilder have patiently laid out and layered all the details that make the Little House series come to life so vividly?
I know I wouldn’t have reworked my novel as much as I have this one (maybe too much, as I agonized obsessively over every word). I had the brass confidence of youth and no discipline. When I was 20, I put together a book of my poetry (aren’t we all poets at 20?). I opened it with a quote from Patti Smith: “The words are just rules and regulations to me.” Really? Isn’t writing all about the words? Isn’t that the point? I was so busy being a rebel at 20 that I didn’t even respect my craft.
Bad reviews? They would have crushed me. So far, I’ve received positive reviews for “What Was Lost.” I’m proud of these, but I’ll survive if bad ones come my way. In my 60s I have enough self-respect to weather it. I’m also not financially dependent on the book doing well. I’ve had a career outside of literature, one I’ve been proud of — working with children, wearing various hats over the years. I chose that career even though I wanted to write, and I’ve been challenged and fulfilled by my career. I couldn’t have written this story without this experience – I worked with sexual abuse victims. I’m happy with the choices I’ve made and I’m grateful because I know I could easily have made bad choices.
Writing always felt central to my identity and so here it is: a novel, one of those destinations along that uncharted territory. I’ve filled in a new place on the map. It was a long road to get here, but I wouldn’t have missed the journey. And I’m eager to keep going.
Melissa Connelly’s first novel, “What Was Lost,” releases on Oct. 8, 2024, after her long career working with children in schools, hospitals, psychiatric clinics, and day cares. She lives in Brooklyn, New York, and also spends time in the mountains of western North Carolina. Her website is melissaconnelly.com.
