‘It’s the Cats or Me’
Does he love the cats more than his partner?
When he pays more attention to his three feline friends than to his partner – even on a vacation – his partner is tempted to say, “It’s the cats or me!” Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I am a 53-year-old widower who has been dating the same guy for more than a year. Fred is 56 and has been divorced for more than 10 years.
Three months after we started dating, he announced that the weekend trip we were planning on going on was off because he could not find a suitable sitter for his three cats. I told him that I was disappointed, so he compromised and decided to take the three cats with us!
Fred spent the entire weekend playing with the cats, brushing the cats, talking with the cats, and he spent an hour trying to coax Mr. Whiskers from under the bed.
Fred talks nonstop about his cats; on the rare occasion we go out, he’s constantly checking his security cameras to see what the cats are doing. I’m beginning to think that Fred cares more about his cats than he cares about me. When I told Fred that I felt that he was spending too much time with his furry friends, he got angry and hung up the phone. He hasn’t called me in three days. Should I call him and apologize, or should I wait for him to cool off and call me when he’s ready?
– Cat’s Out of the Bag
Dear Cat’s:
Fred’s relationship with his cats is much longer than his relationship with you. So, even though you’re a human and they are regal beings who graciously tolerate humanity, you’re at a bit of a disadvantage. They’ve provided emotional support and company for Fred, presumably since his divorce. Perhaps even longer than that.
His challenge is going to be figuring out how to fit a relationship into his life. And he should do that work. But if you give him the ultimatum “the cats or me,” you’re not going to win. Nor should you. When we start dating someone, we date the whole person – the good, the bad, the furry, et cetera. Some of those things are going to be deal breakers.
If this relationship continues, I doubt he’ll be less obsessed with his cats. So, you have to decide if you’re willing to be in a relationship with someone who acts this way. This is who he is. If it’s worth it to you, then you should apologize and tell him the truth. “I want to feel valued in this relationship. I’m not trying to separate you from your cats. How can we work together to build a life that fits us and also your love for your cats?”
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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Find more words of wisdom like the furry friends ultimatum – from insensitive parents to a husband’s mid-life crisis, DNA surprises, and more – in the Boomer Advice for Life department.
