Hurtful Sorority Sisters Want to Reconnect

Forty-five years later, the hurtful sorority sisters want to reconnect. The woman they hurt is not interested. Should she get over it and meet them anyway? See what advice columnist Amy Dickinson advises in “Ask Amy.”

Dear Amy:

I graduated from college 45 years ago. I belonged to a sorority. I had five close friends, two of which I kept in contact with over the years. The other three drifted away my senior year when I took a semester abroad. Despite my efforts to stay in touch, they never wrote or acknowledged my letters, and when I returned for my last semester, they acted like strangers.

Apparently, they resented my leaving because I had been the lynchpin that held the five of us together.

At graduation we had all agreed to meet and introduce each other to our parents and family.

The three never showed, nor did they try to contact me to explain or to say goodbye. They just vanished. I remember feeling hurt at the time but moved on with my life.

I never heard from them again, until recently.

Two of these three hurtful sorority sisters contacted me to see if I was planning to attend our 45th reunion, just as if nothing had happened. I kept my response light and friendly but made it clear that I had no plans to attend.

My two closest college friends are not going, either.

While I forgive these women, I do not trust them. I feel that if we got together in order to renew our relationship, I would need to confront them over how they hurt me.

Frankly, I’m just not interested in doing this. My philosophy is to either forgive and let go, or, if you cannot, then confront and try to work it out.

I forgave them long ago, but does that mean we can just pick up where we left off?

Am I being petty?

– Moved On

Dear Moved On:

You are not being petty. You are making a choice, based on your instincts.

Your two closer friends are not attending, and so the only reason I could imagine you wanting to go – and it’s a strong one – is curiosity.

Don’t you wonder how these mean girls turned out? Aren’t you curious about how they would respond if you asked them to explain the dynamic and their behavior from so long ago?

Understand that there is a likelihood that they would brush off your query by claiming not to remember this episode; there is also the possibility that they would, as a group, find a way to blame you for it.

But these landmark reunions can be occasions where people close a circle around questions from their past. They also offer opportunities to renew or form friendships with people you didn’t know very well back then.

I applaud your willingness to forgive these three, and your story illustrates perfectly the truism that forgiveness is a liberating virtue.

But forgetting? That is another matter.

Want to get even more life tips from Amy? Read more of her advice columns here!

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart – ranging from forgiving hurtful sorority sisters to dark family secrets and DNA surprises. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers. You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.

©2023 by Amy Dickinson