Getting Rid of the Ex’s Ashes
After more than 16 years, it’s time, says the second wife
Her husband’s ex’s ashes are still in the house, 23 years after the woman’s death and 16 years after the second marriage. The second wife has an idea for getting rid of them. See what advice columnist Eric Thomas says.
Dear Eric:
I have been married to my husband for 16 years and we have a wonderful blended family. Our kids are now grown (ages 26-35). My husband’s first wife died of a drug overdose/swimming accident 23 years ago. They were in the process of a divorce at the time.
Her ashes are in a box in our garage. Many times, over the years, they were going to spread her ashes somewhere, but it never fully happened. Some of the ashes were spread at various locations that she loved. I don’t want the rest in my house anymore, but I don’t know what to ask for.
I have always been OK with, and supportive of, stories about her being shared, pictures of her in the house, a stocking hung with her name on it at Christmas, etc. But it feels like after 23 years, something should be done with her ashes other than sitting in an old box on a shelf in our garage. It feels disrespectful of me and disrespectful to her memory.
Would it be bad or insensitive to ask my husband to put the ashes in four small urns and give one to each of her four children? None of them own their own home, so they would have to pack this urn and move it with them every time they move.
– Resting Place
Dear Place:
The urns are a great idea, and a beautiful way to honor her memory for the children. But I’d pause before making the ask, just to make sure all your intentions line up with your actions.
It’s not especially uncommon for people to struggle when figuring out what to do with a loved one’s ashes. We don’t always have set ceremonies around their dispersal like we do with funerals and burials. Moreover, it sounds like your family has made attempts, but something kept them from finishing this ritual. Maybe it was emotional, maybe it was logistical.
Try, as best you can, to separate the remaining ashes from anyone’s feelings about you. I know this is complicated, too. But the presence of your husband’s former wife’s ashes in your garage is not about you.
If you can start to see this as something that the family – you included – is still working on dealing with, you’ll be in a good position to talk to your husband empathetically about moving the ashes from the box to the urns. And, if he’s receptive, you’ll both want to talk with the kids about whether an urn is something they’d want. Other options include custom rocks or jewelry made from the ashes.
It’s possible no one quite knows what they’re supposed to do, so a family conversation will be illuminating and helpful. But that can only happen if it starts from a place of curiosity rather than annoyance.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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Find more words of wisdom like what to do what an ex’s ashes – from insensitive parents to a husband’s mid-life crisis, DNA surprises, and more – in the Boomer Advice for Life department.
