The Blue Jeans Blues

It’s now clear to me that Neil Diamond wrote the song “Forever in Blue Jeans” well before he hit middle age.

I’m still somewhat in disbelief that my relationship with the iconic pants has soured, after a life-long love affair. I spent my entirecareer, Monday to Friday, wearing blue jeans; weekends, too. I had good reasons. Wearing them offered multipleadvantages:

They’re machine washable – a big plus when riding the New York City subway system where cleanliness isn’t always the number one priority. Sometimes it seems it’s not the number two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, or 10 priority, either;

They’re durable – blue jeans can last for years thanks to their tough fabric and riveted pockets. And even if they do fray at thebottoms or rip in the knees and crotch, most people just assume it’s some random new fashion trend.

They may be a shrewd investment – in 2020, seven pairs of jeans from the 1800s were found in an abandoned mineshaft inArizona, including two pairs from Levi Strauss & Co. Estimated worth: $500,000. I’m hoping to have similar luck when goingthrough some old clothes in my attic next month. (Probably not.)

Meanwhile, according to Guinness World Records, the most expensive vintage jeans ever sold are a pair of Levi’s blue denimtrousers, worn by Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain, which were auctioned off in November 2023 for $412,750. It’s unclear if the priceincluded free alterations

Since working virtually, I’ve been wearing blue jeans less and less. Some pairs, which used to fit me fine, are now so tight Ican squeeze into them only if I first slather the lower half of my body with Wesson cooking oil – even though my weight hasremained the same.

Other pairs aren’t tight at all. How this is possible since all my jeans are the same size, brand, and style is apparently anindustry trade secret that Levi Strauss took with him to his grave.

Even when I put on a pair that does fit, it’s still only a matter of time before they’re riding up on me in places I don’t want to beridden up in.

One friend suggested, with a straight face, that I turn to Kim Kardashian and try wearing a pair of her Spanx for Men. Er, sorry,Kim, but no thanx.

To be fair, not everyone shares my discomfort with blue jeans. It’s estimated that approximately 450 million pairs are sold in theUnited States each year and well over three billion pairs globally.

The Levi website claims to know of hundreds of individuals who have requested that they be buried in their blue jeans.Recently the company commissioned a short film about one devoted customer who not only asked to be interred in denim, butthat all his friends and family members wear blue jeans when attending his wake. Luckily for me, I didn’t know the guy so Ididn’t have to go.

In science fiction, a shapeshifter is a being that can transform itself from one physical form to another. I have a theory that aswe amble down the road of life, our bodies become unwilling shapeshifters, especially in our stomach and thigh regions.Even if our weight remains the same, where once there was smooth toned skin worthy of an Adonis, a shapeshifting occursand there is suddenly more inches of … you.

So, with all due respect to Neil Diamond, “Forever in Blue Jeans”? Nah, from now on I’m “Never in Blue Jeans.”

John Ficarra is a New York based humor writer. He is a frequent contributor to Air Mail, a digital newsweekly.

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