Flaky Friend Expects Pardon

A friend cancels at the last minute, then expects permission for backing out – despite foiling their friend’s plans. Is the disappointed friend responsible for absolving the flaky friend? Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.

Dear Eric:

I do not have a very active social life, and I am trying to improve it. Sometimes I will invite someone to something and on the day of, they will call me and say, “Sorry, I cannot make it, is that OK?” This question confuses me.

What exactly is “OK”? I cannot force them to honor the commitment. However, I am always disappointed when people bail on me, so no, I do not think that it is particularly “OK.” I think the question is rude.

I usually respond with “Have a nice evening.” And the person is likely to sigh. If this is over text, they might send a cringing emoji. I think “have a nice evening” is a perfectly fine response. Anyone who gets flaked on would be disappointed, and I do not think that flakers have a right to expect the people who flake on them to say that they are perfectly happy with it. Is there a better way of handling this situation?

– OK Not Being OK

Dear OK:

It sounds like your friends are asking you to give them permission to not feel bad for flaking. And you’re correct: you don’t have to mask your disappointment. Try saying, “Of course, I’m disappointed because I was looking forward to spending time together. But I understand.” This is presuming you do understand why they’re bailing. You can then end the conversation with an invitation to reschedule.

This kind of communication will help you feel heard. If a particular friend is repeatedly canceling on you, however, that’s a good sign that this person isn’t in a place to prioritize your friendship, and your time may be better served with someone else. And that’s OK, too.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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