Disadvantages of the 49 Other States

By Greg Schwem | February 7th, 2025

Considering the alternatives, a polar vortex isn’t so bad

North American map showing the United States and Canada, with Illinois and most of the other 49 states

The cold weather in Chicago has finally gotten to humorist Greg Schwem, but when he considers the 49 other states, their disadvantages outweigh Illinois weather.

The recent California wildfires have restarted the “why would anybody live there?” conversation. These doomsday chats always seem to surface whenever the Golden State endures an epic disaster be it fires, mudslides, earthquakes or the LA Chargers’ playoff performance.

Ditto for Florida, scene of “once in a lifetime” hurricanes that now seem to occur during any year containing a 2.

I reside in Illinois, currently in the grips of another polar vortex. The last one occurred almost precisely one year ago. It has taken my car battery nearly 12 months to thaw.

I’ve often thought about pulling up stakes and moving elsewhere, but which state do I choose? Last weekend I wrote down the names of the 49 other states and then tried to think of one plus for relocating. Sadly, the minuses came to me faster. So here are 49 reasons why I won’t be moving anywhere, at least not immediately:

Alabama: I refuse to scream “ROLL TIDE” at random moments, like when I’m pumping gas. Also, Tommy Tuberville.
Alaska: Would consider it if the calendar year spanned June through August.
Arizona: Melting sounds like a horrible way to die.
Arkansas: Worried I may run into a “Razorback” after dark.
California: I think we’ve discussed this.
Colorado: Would eventually grow tired of asking everybody, “Are you high now?”
Connecticut: Too hard to spell.
Delaware: I’m not even sure Google Maps knows where it is.
Florida: I like golf, but not THAT much.
Georgia: When I realized Atlanta had an intersection of “Peachtree” and “Peachtree,” that solidified it.
Hawaii: If my move involves a nine-hour flight, I’d just as soon move to Paris.
Idaho: The color blue doesn’t look good on certain things. Like a football field.
Indiana: Its residents talk about Chicago like it’s light-years away and requires a passport to visit.
Iowa: Its residents talk about Indianapolis the same way.
Kansas: Not sure that state even exists except during college basketball season.
Kentucky: It’s where people go when they can’t get a restaurant reservation in Cincinnati.
Louisiana: I can only handle so much spice. And alcohol.
Maine: What would happen if the state ran out of lobster?
Maryland: Same reason as Maine, but with crab legs.
Massachusetts: Only if I could find a bar that did not host “‘Good Will Hunting’ Trivia Night.”
Michigan: Nobody should ever describe their address by holding up their hand and saying, “I live just above my thumbnail.”
Minnesota: Another name for “polar vortex” in that state? “Wednesday.”
Mississippi: I enjoy reading. Based on test scores, the rest of the state does not.
Missouri: Afraid I would eventually get stuck behind Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s motorcade.
Montana: “Running out for milk” usually requires a full tank of gas.
Nebraska: I once requested ketchup at a steak house outside Omaha. The governor asked me never to return.
Nevada: Its residents lie! Well, not all of them but definitely the roulette dealer who told me 33 was a “popular number.”
New Hampshire: Its most famous residents are leaves.
New Jersey: It’s where New Yorkers go to find an available public restroom.
New Mexico: “Breaking Bad” was filmed here, starring a guy who cooked blue-colored crystal meth. Now I’m starting to question what’s in that turquoise jewelry I bought in Albuquerque.
New York: I long for New York City. I can afford Binghamton.
North Carolina: I’d be surrounded by former Florida residents trying to justify why they first moved to Florida.
North Dakota: Ever seen “Fargo”? It’s shockingly accurate.
Ohio: The state’s definition of a “three way” involves chili, cheese and spaghetti. What does that tell you?
Oklahoma: A very welcoming state … for tornadoes.
Oregon: A ski hat in summer is not a good look on me.
Pennsylvania: Allegedly full of cheaters, fraudsters and incompetents. Also known as “2020 election poll workers.”
Rhode Island: Can you even get a direct flight?
South Carolina: For a while its most famous resident was a guy named “Hootie.”
South Dakota: A fun Saturday night there is talking smack about North Dakota.
Tennessee: I have relatives there. That’s a plus and a minus.
Texas: A state that teaches kids patience. I mean, you have to be at least 5 before you can purchase a gun.
Utah: Tempting, but only if I could have a conversation in a bar with a drunken Mitt Romney.
Vermont: See “New Hampshire.”
Virginia: I’d live anywhere but Norfolk. Mispronouncing that name could get me in a whole lot of trouble.
Washington: Microsoft is headquartered there. Microsoft invented Teams. Teams sucks.
West Virginia: John Denver described it as “almost heaven.” So what happened?
Wisconsin: If my diet consisted of beer, cheese curds and cigarettes, my U-Haul would already be packed.
Wyoming: I’ve seen Starbucks lines that exceed the state’s entire population.