Ask Amy: BFF Friendship Might Have Run Its Course

Dear Amy: I have had a close friend for 16 years. We worked together, and she and I both went through nasty divorces, which was a bonding experience. We have sons similar in age. We both got lucky and found love again.

However, over the last several years, things have shifted. She is a chronic last-minute canceler, always with a good excuse: Her family, her car, or something else she forgot about. She’s missed birthdays and other important things. She keeps calling us “BFF’s,” but I don’t see it.

Last year, she sent out a text invite for a fun-themed dinner, confirming last-minute details for everyone on the text chain.

A few minutes later, she admitted that she had sent the invitation to me accidentally.

The kicker was that someone backed out at the last minute, and then I got an actual invite and was told that if I wanted to attend, I’d better be wearing a theme costume like everyone else. I declined.

Am I wrong to feel insulted? I’ve never brought this up to her, but think it was rude.

I think it is way past the appropriate time to bring this up now.

– Slighted BFF

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Dear Slighted: It is completely legitimate to feel insulted when someone insults you. Absolutely.

I suspect the reason you’ve ruminated on this for over a year is: either you somehow believe your feelings are not to be trusted, or, even if your feelings are trustworthy, you don’t have the right to “have” them.

Despite the fact that she tells you that you two are “best friends forever,” she seems to have demoted you.

Regardless of your place in her friendship pecking order, if she wanted to spend time with you – best friend or not — she would find a way to do that.

Yes, it is probably too late to bring up an incident that happened over a year ago. Bringing this up wouldn’t change anything.

All you need to do now is to believe in your instincts, trust your own feelings, and behave the way YOU want to behave.

This person has earned a demotion in your friendship pecking order. I’d suggest the category of: “Someone I used to be close to.”

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068

© 2021 by Amy Dickinson