Newlywed Boomer Wants More Quality Time from Her Husband

Dear Amy: My husband and I were married only three months ago.

We are both in our 60s. He has two children from his first marriage, and I have none. We dated for three years before our marriage. My husband has always enjoyed working, and he worked nonstop throughout our relationship.

I have asked him over and over to put aside some daylight time for me. I would settle for half a day on Saturday or Sunday. He is a rancher and says there is no such thing as a weekend for a rancher.

He made a promise to me before our marriage that he would take time out for us. Unfortunately, since we were married, except for the honeymoon, there has not been any time for me on a weekend. I am so very hurt. I’ve tried to explain this to him, but it falls on deaf ears. He comes home at 6:30 p.m. and goes to bed at 9:30.

There is never any quality time for us. Is there any hope for our marriage?

– Very Hurt New Wife

Dear Very Hurt: I think there is hope for your marriage, but not if you hang out quietly, waiting for your husband to come home and pay attention to you.

Your hope and expectation  to have six hours of companionship during one weekend day – is completely reasonable. If you two shared a faith practice, you might do what many families do on Sundays – attend services and then enjoy a Sunday lunch. Deliberately carving out time would be good

You say your husband worked nonstop when you were dating. If he promised to change, and you believed him, then you’re dealing with a classic case of the triumph of hope over experience.

Your life will be ever-thus, but it could be a quality life, if you are able to adjust. Can you engage more actively on the ranch?

My husband and I both grew up on farms, and we still have that seven-day mentality, but we do lots of chores together. Sometimes, riding out to a far-off field in the truck is the equivalent of “quality time.” If you have those opportunities, you should take them.

Otherwise, understand that this might not be the life for you. Give this marriage more time to gel, and then make a choice regarding your own future.

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers.