Her Fiancé’s Freeloading Grown Daughters

A woman has given her fiancé an ultimatum: she won’t marry him until his freeloading grown daughters move out of his house. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.

Dear Eric:

I am a 62-year-old woman engaged to a 59-year-old man. He is my best friend. The problem? His 25- and 29-year-old daughters do not work or contribute to the household at all. They stay up all night and play games and sleep all day. Thankfully, I have my own home. I refuse to marry him until these “lumps” move out.

We have been together for eight years. I realize this is a “fiancé” problem. I have suggested family therapy, life coaches, etc. Any other suggestions?

– Delayed Engagement

Dear Engagement:

I have one, but you’re not going to love it, I’m afraid. Acceptance. You’ve made it clear to him what you need in order to move forward. It’s a reasonable need, given that by marrying and moving in together, you’d also presumably be moving in with his daughters and your financial situation would be impacted by his family’s financial arrangement. It’s smart for you to hold off.

However, he’s also, in a roundabout way, made it clear to you what he needs, at least for right now. He either can’t or won’t coach his daughters into leaving the roost or contributing financially. This is not a healthy situation for any of them, but that’s the choice he’s making. You can either accept that this is a problem he doesn’t want to fix and remain engaged but apart, or you can decide that it creates an insurmountable problem in your relationship and make a change.

But it’s clear that an ultimatum isn’t going to fix this, unfortunately. You might look back at the last eight years to try to figure out where this dynamic between him and his daughters came from and try to talk him through it. Your suggestions of family therapy and life coaching are good ones, but they have to be ready and willing to take the next step. Right now, they’re too comfortable playing video games for free.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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