Disengaged from Her Critical Mother

To protect her own mental health, “distant daughter” has disengaged from her critical mother, including knowing she will skip the funeral. Her siblings disagree. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.

Dear Eric:

I’m not close to my 88-year-old mother. For all of my life we have not gotten along. I never fit into her “mold” for me. I have made the decision not to have any type of communication with her yet again for eight years now. I’m better without her and her melodramatics in my life. I feel that it’s hypocritical of me to attend her service when she does pass. My siblings disagree. That is my decision. I have no “wonderful” memories to reflect on. My goodbye is my goodbye. Your thoughts, please.

– Distant Daughter

Dear Daughter:

This is your decision. Your siblings are operating inside their own narratives and relationships with your mother. They may want – or even think they need – you to co-sign their version of events in order to properly grieve. That isn’t the case. You don’t have to create wonderful memories where there weren’t any. And your memories, good or bad, don’t change their memories.

Sometimes, especially when a family member dies, we feel that we need everyone to gather around one shared story of a life. When family members don’t, it can create conflict that’s often exacerbated by grief.

Your siblings will need to work on releasing you from that expectation. In turn, try to release them from needing to see or affirm the story you’re in. You don’t have to get dragged into debate, especially before your mother’s death. So, if and when the subject comes up, respectfully but firmly decline to engage.

Even though, as you write, your goodbye is your goodbye, I’d recommend talking about the feelings you have now with someone you trust and who can listen to your truth without judgment or demand. A therapist will help you sort out the relationship, and its impact, and make a plan for healing moving forward. But it’s also helpful to lean on friends and other loved ones as you navigate this period and any conversations that pop up with your siblings.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

Find more words of wisdom like becoming disengaged from a critical mother – from insensitive parents to a husband’s mid-life crisis, DNA surprises, and more – in the Boomer Advice for Life department.