Friend Gets Meaner with Age
From kind and supportive to bullying behavior
When a friend gets meaner with age, is there hope for a return to niceness or for mending hurt relationships? What could cause the change? Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
A few years ago, I noticed a change in a close friend of more than four decades. She is beloved, kind, supportive and generous and has been a great friend over the decades. Yet, she has become more strident in her opinions, almost to the point of bullying.
She wasn’t always like this. Her husband and I are the main recipients of this behavior – I’ve seen her make fun of her husband in front of other people, but he just shrugs it off. I don’t see her doing this to her other friends and family members.
The last time I saw her, over a month ago, she called me stupid in front of other friends at a group dinner when I politely disagreed with her on a topic and a mutual friend in the group called her out on it. My friend never apologized to me. This was hurtful, and at this point, I am inclined to distance myself from her, although this is very painful because she has been an important part of my life and I’ve been a loyal friend to her.
I’m tired of being her punching bag and I don’t know why she does this, but I also don’t know what to do about it anymore.
– Frustrated Friend
Dear Friend:
Different aspects of our personalities can emerge as we age, so it’s possible that this is a normal, if unfortunate, new side to your friend. But it’s also possible that it’s health related. Though her husband shrugs it off, it’s worth talking to him about whether he’s noticed any other signs of a problem and how he can help his wife to seek treatment.
With regard to your friendship, however, you should be clear that in order to remain in a relationship, you need an apology, an acknowledgment of the way you feel and a change. Even if a more irritable side of her personality has emerged, there’s no excuse for cruelty. Give her a chance to make this right before stepping away for good.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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Find more words of wisdom like when a friend gets meaner with age – from insensitive parents to a husband’s mid-life crisis, DNA surprises, and more – in the Boomer Advice for Life department.
