Her Husband Uses Their Garden as a Bathroom
The wife and the landscaped plants have had enough
Most of us have foibles and follies, but one man’s habit of using the garden as a bathroom takes the prize. What’s a weary wife to do? Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
This letter is probably best read after that first cup of morning coffee. My husband of 50-plus years has a habit of peeing outside, even though his office is equipped with its own bathroom.
His dad and uncle did the same thing, but they chose an old patch of ivy for their “offerings.”
My husband stands over beautiful landscaping on our small patio. I have expressed many times that I am offended, the plants are offended, and that he should stop this grossness, if for no other reason than that It upsets me so much.
When he is caught, he apologizes profusely but it happens again and again. I feel disrespected. I am thinking this issue is about more than marking his territory. Can you help?
– Sad in Urinetown
Dear Sad:
Well, I had my coffee but, alas, it didn’t help. If your husband’s been doing this your whole marriage – perhaps even his whole life – I’m tempted to say you can’t teach an experienced dog new tricks. Except he’s not a dog and he’s not staking a claim on a new neighborhood hydrant.
When it comes to marking territory, you and he already marked the territory by signing your mortgage or rental agreement. And you marked it again by paying for or working on your landscaping.
So, you’re right – it is disrespectful to you that he can’t find another al fresco W.C. or change his habit up. I’m perplexed by his profuse apologies followed by him doing the exact same thing. Whether this is a very specific pattern of forgetfulness or a blatant disregard of your feelings, it’s reason for concern.
I can’t tell from your letter if you suspect he may be having memory problems, but if that’s an option, you’ll want to talk to him and your doctor about other signs you’re noticing. If, however, he’s just set in his ways, set yourself in your ways, too. Tell him you’re tired of being upset by this behavior and you need him to respect you enough to make a change.
Also, you know those little yard signs discouraging people from letting their dogs do their business in the yard? You may want to invest in one and post it on your patio. For an audience of one.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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