Sage Advice: Mr. Wonderful Sends Live-In Love to the Guest Room

Dear Amy: I am a retired woman in my 70s. I met a wonderful guy online. He said his wife of 20 years had recently left him – she moved out and he kept the house.

He was sad and angry about the break-up.

After corresponding for several weeks and my visiting him, I made the decision to move in with him, even though I live 1,300 miles away. This was to be a trial relationship. However, as time is going on, I see that he is still very much in contact with his wife. She has complete access to the house because he says that she still pays part of the bills for the house and has a right to stay in communication.

Recently he told me that they will not be going forward with the divorce, but are looking to go into counseling. He said that because I’d moved so far to be with him that I am welcome to stay in a guest room for now.

He is giving me no guarantees about what will happen, and she is not moving back in for now. They are considered a “power” couple in their circles. It has been very difficult for me to get to know people.

Do I stay, or do I go? If he decides to stay with her, of course there’s nothing I can do. But if he changes his mind I would still like to be available, because he’s a great guy and delightful company.

– Third Wheel?

Dear Third Wheel: Your wonderful guy has shown you the door to the guest room. Do you really want to stay in the guest room while Mr. Wonderful and his wife work things out with a counselor?

The answer to your question is: you go.

You don’t say why you were so eager to move so quickly, and to move so far from your home for a “trial relationship,” but consider this trial phase to have ended. Things did not work out.

I don’t know if Mr. Wonderful is being honest about his situation with his wife, or if this is his way of showing you the door, but the message he is sending is very clear. It is time for you to go.

I hope you can return to your home base and pick up your life where you left off. I hope, too, that you consider this to have been a useful experience. If Mr. Wonderful wants to resume your relationship down the line, he should demonstrate his interest by visiting you (not the other way around).

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068

© 2018 by Amy Dickinson