A 50-Year-Old Paternity Secret

A man learned he had a son when the boy was 5, but the mother wanted to keep his paternity secret. Decades later, the father wants to meet his son. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.

Dear Eric:

While in grad school, I got a call from my ex-girlfriend saying her oldest child, then five years old, was my son. We met and she showed me pictures. She was married and she didn’t ask for anything. She just wanted me to know.

I know she has told at least one other mutual friend that her son is my child.

Subsequently, we have emailed over the years, but she never wanted me to meet the child. I’ve discovered the correlation of his birthday, and the dates of his conception are accurate.

I’ve tried to convince her that sooner or later someone would find out because of the ubiquity of DNA information.

Around the time when her son turned 35, she changed her mind and said that the child wasn’t mine.

He is now in his 50s and I am 75. If it’s true, I’d like to meet him, but she has always said that if he or her family found out, it would destroy her family. I still don’t know if it’s true or not. Should I reach out to him or just let it be one of those life mysteries that will always be unresolved?

– Confused Paternity

Dear Confused:

I empathize with the complicated dynamics here, but I imagine the son might have a hard time with the fact that you knew of his existence for the last 45 years and didn’t reach out.

When thinking about approaching him now, you should be clear with yourself about your intentions and what kind of relationship you are trying to have. Are you prepared to make amends for the grief, confusion or anger that he might feel? Are you prepared for the possibility that, at this point, he may not want to know?

There are some unknowns here that have an impact. If your ex’s son knows that your ex’s husband is not his biological father, for instance, your meeting would likely go very differently.

This would also make the preliminary conversation you have with your ex different, as well. Because, whatever you decide, you need to talk to her first. While the paternity secret was at her behest, you both created and perpetuated this situation. If you’re sure you want to go through with the meeting, tell her clearly why and give her time and space to make whatever preparations she needs to.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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